Dating after a divorce

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Being a matchmaker is a tough job. But someone’s got to do it. We’ve all been there. We see two people who would be just right for each other and we can’t help but get things moving along.

Whether you’re bored of listening to your friend’s dating disasters or know you can set them up with someone way better, remember the urge to play matchmaker can either help or hinder your friendship.

Here’s what to do and what to avoid when you’re playing cupid:

The Do’s

First ask them if you can be their wingman

You can’t set them up with someone if they aren’t willing to meet them. Ask if you can help them look for someone first. 

Listen to what they would like in a potential partner

It’s not about you. Whatever your personal opinion is on who they should date, at the end of the day, you’re trying to find someone for them, not you! If they’re looking for someone older, interested in specific activities or someone who is different to their ex, the key is to listen. Try to tick 3 out of 4 boxes so there’s room for them to be surprised. 

Help organise their first date

Eliminate some of their anxiety by picking a date they both are comfortable going on. There’s nothing worse than a mediocre first date, and the setting plays a big part. Is going to see a movie going to reduce the time they have to talk? 

Is dinner at a fancy restaurant… plain boring? 

Will a high intensity activity just get their hearts racing for all the wrong reasons? 

Choose the venue or activity you think they will have the most fun with and will bring out their personality.

Encourage them to date outside their type

If it’s a bad boy they always go for why not persuade them to go on a blind date with someone you think will treat them better. You should still listen to what they find attractive and try and find a happy medium. 

Give them advice only if they ask

I know it can be hard to hide your opinion when you’re trying to play matchmaker but it’s alright to let them know e.g. if their chat needs work or what outfit they should go with. You want to help build their confidence, not just state where they’re going wrong.

The Don’ts

Use this as an opportunity to have fun

If you’re serious about finding your friend someone they would be happy with, don’t treat this opportunity for your own amusement. They’ve trusted you with the task of introducing them to someone you think would be right for them. Affairs of the heart shouldn’t be treated as a joke. Save the memes for the group chat after the date.

Become the third wheel 

After the introduction, it’s important to let them get on with it. It’s okay to get a debrief from your friend after the date but orchestrating how the relationship should move forward is not your call. 

 Be over critical of anyone who might not meet your “standards”

Your friend may have a checklist of who they want, you may have a checklist of who you want and trying to find someone you’ll both be happy with, will become near on impossible. 

Tell them everything about the person you’re setting them up with

Reduce expectations and let them surprise each other. It can be so tempting for both of them to do a quick social media search on each other before the date, but sometimes going in blind can give them both an idea of who they really are in the present and not in a socially constructed profile online.  

How to deal with Orbiting?

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Sometimes trying to get rid of an ex is harder than trying to get rid of a red wine stain. 

If only we could use Vanish on them, life would be easier.

I’ve been through my fair share of break-ups and I’ve always been fascinated by how we choose to move on… or not. With hindsight, it’s clear to see what we ‘should’ have done, but not so easy in the actual moment.  Whether you chose to end the relationship or have been royally dumped, it’s not fun. So how do we cut ties with an ex that’s lurking behind the screens?  Should we accept they’ll always be around in some way?

Thanks to social media, this is more prevalent than ever. There are new terms being used in order to deal with the behaviours. One of the newer ones is ‘Orbiting’ …. which explains the behaviour of a person (an ex or a person you were interested in), who has ended the relationship or communication, in fact won’t even answer your texts - but decides to linger or “orbit” around your life by liking and commenting on all your posts. It’s somewhat more confusing than ‘ghosting’, which is when someone stops all contact with you for no particular reason’ but still as mindboggling and hurtful.      

 So what do you do when you’re being orbited?  (You, my friend, would be the ‘orbitee’)

 ·     Wingman trust – Firstly, do lean on your trusted friends to help you through it.  Your wingmen will always have a protective and logical voice to cut through the internal madness you may start telling yourself.   

·     Block/unfollow – If they are becoming a serious hindrance to your ability to move on, you should try limiting their access on how they show up in your life. 

·     Don’t watch – Even though it’s tempting to watch their latest Instagram story from your secret IG account, it’s like punching yourself in the face… there is no benefit other than to hurt yourself.    

·     Limit temptation – You wake up in the night, unable to sleep and figure it cannot hurt to have a flick through their IG … after an hour, you have now looked at their friends, their tag and locations and wasted another hour of your life on this spineless twit.  Leave your phone downstairs if you have to.

·     Invest your time wisely – Whether that’s in a friend, a new hobby or yourself, use your time to focus on what you have right now.  By putting your attention onto something new, it will ensure you are not as focussed on them. 

My friends were always the first to be outraged on my behalf, to cry on my behalf and always the first to lift me up. When you come out of a relationship or break things off with someone you were really interested in, it’s normal for your confidence to take a hit and leave you vulnerable. The idea is to block that person from taking any more of your confidence. Who needs a ghostbuster when you have a shield of friends?

 

The New Dating Terms Of 2019

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With the prevalence of online dating more common now, I found that there is a whole new set of vocabulary daters are using today to describe their journey throughout dating. 

Here are some of my favourites:

Ghosting: refers to the brutal action of completely ignoring further communication from a person you once had a good interaction with. Chances are you or someone you know, have been ghosted before, whether that’s by a friend, a date or even your dog. I’m still undecided on whether it’s just cowardly or a harmless way to end contact. 

Orbiting: The unexplainable follow-up by a ghoster - they continue to linger in your life by watching every single one of your Instagram stories and liking/commenting on your posts.

Breadcrumbing: Borrowed from the tale of Hansel and Gretel, breadcrumbing is when your online conversations are going great until you’re lead by someone who has no intentions of meeting up in real life. Fine if you’re after an online pen pal, not so sure if you’re after a committed relationship. 

Friend zoned: The classic case of starting out with romantic potential but ending up being better as friends. An easier way than getting ghosted but nonetheless disappointing if you wanted more. 

Peacocking: A term used to describe heavily flattering social media posts. Profiles usually display the best 10/10 version of a person, designed to get the most attention much like a peacock spreading its glorious feathers. 

Catfish: One of the first terms to start the trend, catfish or catfishing is when you pretend to be someone else online. Whether that’s through using photos that aren’t of yourself or deceiving the person you’re talking to about who you really are. Usually, non-committal to meeting in real life for the fear of being caught out. Made famous by these guys.

Cuffing: When the thought of being single in the fall is too miserable so you get into a relationship just so you have someone to spend nights in with when it’s too cold to go out.  A Single pringle by summer.   

Sliding into the DM’s: In other words, direct messaging each other on social media. It’s the online equivalent of flirting, by liking each other’s pictures, commenting on social media posts and when ready, going in for the direct message.

Pied: When you get rejected after asking someone out, often causing embarrassment and fear being laughed at like a ‘clown’.

Stashing/benching: When you feel like the relationship is hidden. You’re not introduced to their friends or family or even mentioned on their social media. They might be “benching” you when they’re not ready to commit or looking for someone better to come along. 

Sidebarring: Not exclusive to dating, sidebarring is when you look at your phone more than the person you’re talking to. 

Wingman: My favourite of course, Wingman is the person who supports you when you’re approaching romantic partners. Here’s what to look for in a good one.

 

Assisted Romance Is Blossoming

I'm watching assisted romance bloom in America and couldn't be happier.  In the short time since we brought the Wingman beta to America, we've been thrilled--almost every day--to hear stories from people in the US, the UK, and around the world about what it means to be a wingman not just in love, but in life, too.  

People who saw news reports about our launch have written to tell us about how great it is to have a wingman who always has their back--or how much it means to them to be able to support their best mates in good times and bad. It's sometimes a best friend, sometimes even your Mom or Dad. Indeed on Mother's Day, we saw flood of emotion in the stories people shared about how their first and best wingman ever will always be Mom. And now we're getting stories about dads as Father's Day approaches.

And as we have known from the very start, a wingman isn't always a person.  Many of you have told us what we already know: That the wingman you lean on for backup is so often a pet.  This is of course obvious to anyone who's ever walked down the sidewalk with an adorable mutt, or managed to get through one of life's rough patches with strong, stoic support of the cat or dog they share their life with. 

All these amazing wingman stories you've shared with us have only made us want to hear more. 

So today we're inviting all of you to tell us about the Wingman in your life and nominate them to be part of our next ad campaign. We want to get at the essence of being a selfless friend.  Tell us about your BFF, your little brother, your tough little bulldog-lab mix who walks beside you in life. And if you're a Master Wingman yourself, tell us  your secrets.  

Keep the great stories coming. 

til next time

Wingman OUT

Tina

Do Something Good: Be a Wingman

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Tina's belief in the value of helping others led to the development of Wingman Action Programs, including a partnership with Second Chance Rescue, one of the New York's most effective animal rescue organizations dedicated to helping some very desperate--and but incredibly deserving dog and cats find forever homes. Wingman has pledged to make donations to Second Chance each time someone shares the campaign on social media, or installs the Wingman app between August 1st and October 1st, 2017.  The pets of Second Chance all deserve a Wingman for Life.  We're dedicated to helping them find their Wingman. Read more about the program and support the campaign HERE. 

Catalina Needs a Wingman:  Second Chance Rescue volunteers help the the most desperate and the most deserving find the Wingman for Life they deserve. 

Finding Love is Easier When You Enlist Your Friends

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Wingman, a new mobile matchmaking app, today announced results of the first Wingman Assisted Romance Survey from research conducted in the UK and the US earlier this year that suggests most millennials (90%)—whether they are single or in a relationship--say they would enjoy playing matchmaker for their friends. Indeed, almost seventy percent (70%) said they thought the matches they would make for their friends would be better than if their friends continued to pick their own dates.

“A large majority of the people we spoke to at length felt that they knew their friends well enough to pick people they should meet and many felt they absolutely knew them better than their friends know themselves,” said Wingman founder Tina Wilson. “Millennials tend to be confident and that confidence clearly extends to the widespread belief we found that many millennials are convinced they can be great matchmakers for their friends. Millennials also like a mission, and Wingman lets them do something selfless—think about what’s good for a friend—and they loved that option.”

It's Not About You: A Wingman's Guide to Happiness

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The  physical, mental, and spiritual benefits of doing something good for someone else are well known. Whether you're creating happiness for a friend or offering much-needed help to a stranger who's less fortunate, the very act of helping is good for you. Research shows that the more people abandon a selfie-lifestyle to focus on helping others, the happier and healthier they will be. Millennials, in particular, look for opportunities to work with mission-driven brands and organizations.  Tina's mantra, It's Not About You, stems from this knowledge and applies equally to romance and life.  This worldview is reflected in her devotion to charities as a way for people to find happiness by working for the good of others. An important part of Wingman's mission is to support worthy charities, including Second Chance Rescue, a rescue organization where dedicated volunteers work tirelessly to find wonderful, homeless dogs and cats the Wingman for Life they deserve. 

Tell the World About Your Incredible Friends

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Finding freedom from self-absorption is not easy in the digital age. We live in a world of technologies built to keep us riveted on ourselves--checking our newsfeeds, social media accounts, and online dating profiles for updates, comments, and generally, lots of validation for the notion that, 'It's all about ME.' 

ina Wilson has studied how technology impacts our behavior for better and for worse--especially when it comes to love and romance in our digital times.  She has developed an inclusive approach to using technology to collaborate with friends that is both fun and highly effective for dating.

Friends often have insight into what makes us happy that we don't see for ourselves. They see our weaknesses, strengths, and all the wonderful things that make us unique. Who better to help us find romance than a really good friend who has our best interests at heart? This is why a Wingman is always a welcome ally in a social situation.  Now, thanks to Tina's matchmaking app, Wingman, everyone can be a great Wingman for their friends in the digital world, too.  

Assisted Romance: Matchmaking Makes a Comeback

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Tina Wilson lives at the intersection of technology, friendship, and romance.  She has studied how people use technology and how they wish they could harness it to find love. In the process, she's found millions of people who aren't part of the online dating world. For these people--and the friends and family who love them, she developed Wingman, the mobile matchmaker  app that lets people create profiles for their single friends, find a potential match and make the introduction. Significantly, people cannot create profiles for themselves on Wingman. The whole point is to collaborate, to help your friends find happiness and let them do the same for you. "The art of matchmaking is as old as friendship itself. Tina brought it into the digital age."